We Have a Heart Beat!

We had our 2nd appointment with the midwife on Friday. We were very excited but also slightly nervous. Of course we were assuming all was well in baby growing land...but we all have heard situations where things go wrong. This was really the first real proof (after the pregnancy test, almost 7 weeks before) that we had that all was well in there.

We had to make our way through all the talking and physical exam, before they got out the doppler. Then we heard it. The midwife found it without any trouble and it registered in right around 170 beats per minute, which is right where it should be for a 10 week old fetus. It was so amazing to hear, though I think I was a bit shocked at first, that this whole thing is real. We are going to have a baby!!

Now that we've heard the heart beat on the outside the chances of miscarriage go way day. We'll be 12 weeks along on Sunday. We've been having fun sharing the news with people, and are excited to keep sharing, it's sort of fun to do it gradually and hear everyone's response. I think I'll share some on another post.

The Day We Almost Had an Ultrasound

Ali was in a minor car accident Wednesday night. There was a little damage to the car (some scraping and a broken off mirror), and she reported feeling fine. Of course when she came home and told me this I was a tiny bit worried. I insisted we call the midwife on call (as they told us to do after ANY motor vehicle accident). The midwife assured us that at 9 weeks the babe was very well cushioned and as long as there was no cramping or bleeding, and she otherwise felt fine, it probably was fine....but....

BUT we could call in the morning and schedule an ultrasound if it would make us feel better.

At this point, we were both pretty confident that the accident did not do any harm. Ali said that the impact she felt from the accident was less than someone would feel if they hit the breaks fast at a red light or something. BUT, going the midwife route means if all goes well we'll probably only get one ultrasound and that's still a couple months away. So of course we would want to see what was going on in there now.

As I thought about it that night part of me thought I'd give up my "perfect expected parent" badge if I chose to have an procedure that wasn't 100% necessary. It felt like saying yes to an ultrasound was like saying no to cloth diapering or breastfeeding...like I'd be deemed unworthy of that awesome life that's growing in there. Eventually I got over that, and agreed that it probably wouldn't hurt to go get checked out. Then if something was wrong (either because of the accident or not) we'd at least know, and otherwise, we'd get to see our tiny little person. Seemed like a win all around.

Until I went to google and searched for dangers of ultrasounds. If you are expecting a baby, it's probably best that you don't do this. Our midwives had given us the "we assume it's safe, but don't have any real way of knowing" speech about ultrasounds. But that was nothing compared to what I found on the internet. There was the whole spectrum of possibilities from "ultrasounds are really safe, so don't worry about it" to "the heat and waves from the ultrasound could damage your babies brain (or worse)" to "ultrasounds will make your baby left handed." SERIOUSLY?!?

There were many different sites that said to avoid ultrasounds during the first trimester, or to not do them if it's not necessary. Though I'm not too worried about our baby being left handed we decided that if there was any risk at all we'd just skip it, sense it was really just for fun at this point, and not because we were really worried.

Geesh, this being a parent thing is hard.

Secret Keeping is Hard to Do

We've told a fair number of people about our pregnancy at this point, however we are not quite ready to tell the whole world. We know that sometimes things go wrong in early pregnancy and it might be easier to not explain that to everyone on our facebook friends list. So, the plan is to wait until we hear the heart beat (on the 22nd) before making any great announcement on the internet, at work (especially), or at church. In the meantime....it's become really hard to keep this secret. Not just because we really enjoy having people get excited with us, but because we apparently live in a very small community.

• The first day at work after we found out we were pregnant EVERYONE seemed to be talking about babies/being pregnant. There was pregnancy tea in the mail room, and cans of formula everywhere. The Program Assistant in Ali's program started telling me stories randomly about when she was pregnant. My boss loudly asked the maintenance guy right outside of my office door if his wife was tired when she was pregnant (I am very certain neither of these guys' wives are pregnant currently). Our friend and co-worker came into my office and started telling me, out of the blue, how she wanted to have a baby RIGHT NOW, and how they were going to start trying soon. She was asking when we were going to have babies. She was SO excited it was almost impossible not to tell her in that moment. 

• After work we went to Freeport to check out some baby stores. We had barely walked in the door of one of our favorite baby stores when I spotted the director of development at our agency. I dragged Ali to to the other side of the store, and prayed that she would leave without notice. Instead she meandered over to where we were and I started talking loudly (maybe too loudly) about our niece, Hannah, in a pretend conversation about her age. She probably didn't think anything of it but still. 

• The next day there happened to be a group information session at the midwives office that we were pretty sure we were going to use. This was the first time they had offered a group session, and we decided to check it out, even though it was too early in our pregnancy to get an appointment. We were standing at the desk to check in and right behind us was a coworker, standing with a client to register for the same group session. The client, I'm certain did not recognize us, but obviously our co-worker did. I sent her an e-mail the following morning telling her that it was a surprise to see her, and that we were not very far along in our pregnancy, and would appreciate it if she did not mention it to anyone at work. She wrote back to say that she had only told one person, but not to worry because she was "a locked vault." PS. If you've told even one person, you are not a locked vault. 

• The best story yet! Ali started a pre-natal water aerobics class at the YMCA last week. She is really excited about it, and I think it is totally amazing. She went for her first class on Wednesday, and was sitting beside the instructional pool, in her bathing suit, with a few very visibly pregnant women. Her class is at 5:30 and there's a kid's swimming lesson that goes from 5:00-5:30. Turns out her supervisor's daughter is in that  class, and of course, he was there. How long do you think it'll be before he notices that Ali is in an adult swim class with all pregnant women, and that he belly is getting bigger each week. We've got 6 more weeks to find out!! 

The world of secret keeping is full of good intentions, we'll see how long we can actually keep this one for, before the whole world knows! 

Where Did the Last Month Go?

Let's rewind to October 5th shall we? (14 days after our iui, and the first day that there was a possibility of getting an accurate reading on a pregnancy test.)

We wake up early in the morning and have the following conversation while still in bed:

Ali: Do you think we should take a pregnancy test?

Me: No, we'll find out soon enough one way or another. (AKA -- we've got a lot to do today and I don't want to start the day with a negative pregnancy test.)

Ali: I think I should take one.


So she does. And this happens. Twice.

***If you happen to know us in real life please do not mention this pregnancy in any public way (including, but not limited to Facebook). We are trying to not tell everyone until we at least hear the baby's heart beat, and we'd prefer for our employer to hear it from us first. THANKS FRIENDS!***

It was/is really unbelievable actually. As of today we are 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Though we are fairly confident there is a tiny human growing in there it is also easy to forget. We took the test, but sense then we have not had any confirmation that it's really true. We are getting prenatal care from a great midwife practice where we live, but they are pretty hands off when it comes to poking and prodding unnecessarily. We were there last week, and they took some blood and urine to run some tests and I asked "You're going to run a pregnancy test too, right? So we all know this isn't some sort of hoax." "She looked at me like I was crazy, and said they didn't do that." Weird. So we are banking on the clear pregnancy symptoms Ali is having (and the lack of anything alarming happening) to assure us that everything is just fine.  A week from Friday we will hear the heartbeat...I'm sure it will seem much more real after that.

We alerted some folks right away about our exciting news. That day was also the first day in our month long moving adventure, so we ended up telling some friends too, who knew we were trying so it wouldn't be totally weird that Ali wasn't lifting anything. That and we were too excited not to tell someone.

That Sunday we found out we were pregnant, moved a bunch of stuff, and on Monday Ali started her new job. To say it's been a busy month is a bit of an understatement. But, it's ALL good.

Round 4: Anniversary Edition

As predicted we headed to Boston on our anniversary for our fourth iui. When we left it was pouring rain outside, we left early because the Sox were playing at 1, and we thought maybe we could beat the fans to the neighborhood. On the weekends we don't have appointments, the practitioner who is on that weekend calls at some point in the morning to set a time to meet. We were already on the road when she called, and she was grateful, since she only needs to see a couple of patients, and when we are done, she can go home and enjoy her Saturday.

We ended up getting there around 9:30, and the parking spots were taken by crazed fans who showed up to the game 3.5 hours early to roam the streets. We parked illegally in the patient drop off zone, figuring we were the only patients there, since the clinic wasn't open...the nice lady who did our insemination claimed that she'd write an "official" looking note for our windshield, it ended up looking more like a first grade art project, but we didn't get ticketed so it seems fine to me.

Everything went off without a hitch in inseminationland. There were signs that the timing was just right. There was no poking or proding. It all seemed pretty routine. So routine, I would prefer to never do it again, or at least not for a couple of years.

We are now 9 days into our two week wait. Things have been pretty uneventful around here in the pregnancy symptoms department. We are keeping ourselves busy with packing, getting ready for the big move. Also, Ali got a promotion, which she totally deserves because she is smart, and she works hard, and she has mad skills. Around here we like to do lots of life transitions all at the same time, so we should probably just add pregnancy to the mix. WAHOO!

Good Vibes Galore

I was remembering back to our first insemination appointment, I had text messaged my mom letting her know that everything had gone well and she replied something along the lines of "Now all you have to do is stay away from negative people." As if it were that easy.

I wish that conceiving a child was as easy as just surrounding ourselves with positive loving people.

BUT....it can't hurt right?

We are headed to Boston for our 4th iui tomorrow. On our first wedding anniversary. How cool would it be if this is the one that worked?

Please send all good vibes/prayers/happy, lovely, baby making thoughts our way!!

Celebrations

One thing we are really good at as a couple is celebrating. We LOVE to have reasons to celebrate. No holiday is too small for us!

We wear green on Saint Patrick's Day.

We dye Easter Eggs with our friends.

We have cookie cutters for almost every occasion.

We cherish Christmas celebrations.

We once delivered brownies to some friends with a George Washington cut out on President's Day.

We dress up for Halloween.

We were engaged over Columbus Day weekend.

We were married on the first day of fall, we served apple pies.

My calendar states that it is almost the first day of fall again, which happens to land on our 1st wedding anniversary. For two girls known for celebrating we are getting a lot of people asking, "What are you doing for your anniversary." It's a logical question. It's not prying too much. Generally, we would love to tell you.

But the thing is there's a fairly good chance we will be trying to make a baby. Which is AWESOME! But again, not something we want to tell everyone, so we tend to stutter when asked that question. Which people think is odd, because we always have awesome plans. We celebrate month-a-versaries of when we started dating, for goodness sake. So how is it we don't have plans for our very first wedding anniversary? And what in the world will we do if we don't end up trying to make a baby on that particular day?




The weekend is coming, and it's contents are a mystery. Maybe it will be the start of something big for our little family. Maybe we'll go to the fair and eat organic ice cream. No matter what we do to celebrate our anniversary our love will never be in question.

We SHOULD Have Babies!

In Tuesday's post We're Trying, I talked about wanting people to talk to us about trying to conceive. However, I have to be careful what I wish for.

People every where are telling us that we should have babies. (This was happening long before I wrote the blog post).

Co-workers, church goers, distant relatives etc.....all think we should be mom's. It's sweet, really. It's nice to know that some day we will have a baby that is loved by many many people. The child will have role models and mentors, honorary uncles and open minded playmates, ample babysitters and more "grandparents" than we can count. The support that we are already getting from people who do not even know that we are trying to have a baby is incredible. It can also be a bit overwhelming.

The problem with this is that while a good number of people know why don't want EVERYONE to know. There are just some conversations that don't need to be had with everyone at church on Sunday morning. So, when a sweet retired pastor sitting next to us in church tells us for the 10th time that we should REALLY have children we just sort of nod and grin or reply, "Someday". Some people we give the slightly less vague responses of "we're trying" or "turns out it's not that easy" to. This sometimes elicits more questions, or puzzled looks. It's not that we are necessarily keeping it a secret, it's just that I'm certain that some people do not want to hear about my wife's menstrual cycle, the pro's and cons of have an identity release sperm donor, or what kind of catheters work best for injecting sperm into a uterus that is being shy. Heck, probably some of you reading this now aren't that interested in that information.

PS. Work is a different story. We both work for the same agency, and have decided not to tell anyone there until there is really something to tell. You know, boundaries and all that.

Has anyone else out there struggled with what to tell and to whom and when? It's an interesting game to play, that's for sure.

We're Trying

We were at a get together a couple weeks ago with some work folks; a good bye party for a beloved member of our staff who is moving on to a new adventure. This was an "invite only party" and amazingly we were surrounded by people that we really liked, and enjoyed being with. (Generally my philosophy is to skip work related functions that I'm not getting paid for, but this night was pretty fun.)

Anyway, we were talking with a man who works for another program in our agency. I asked him about his 2 year old daughter and he gushed. It was pretty awesome actually. Then Ali asked "did I hear you were going to have more children." To which he replied, "Yes, we're trying, I mean, we're having sex."

I have two thoughts about this:
1. Yes, even though we are both women we do know how straight people make babies.

2. Have you noticed how no one EVER talks about how they are trying to get pregnant? Maybe it's because for fertile heterosexual people it's a private, intimate act (sex) that makes a baby....It's just strange to me that people generally don't talk about it.

I've been thinking a bit sense that night about what we share and how we share it. I think what's important is that we have control over our own information. Most of the time before we go to Boston to inseminate we let a few people know, and are encouraged by their "You can do it!!" messages. However, last time we were uncertain about appointment, and we kept it to ourselves. I didn't post about it over a week later, mostly because it seemed exhausting to write it all out, without any feedback.

Many people know we are trying to get pregnant. However, we are hardly ever asked about it. I realized this after we went to Boston a couple of weeks ago, and we sat down and chatted with Ali's mom and sister about what happened, what usually happens, why we didn't inseminate, and how frustrating it all is. It was sort of like letting out a deep sigh to have some people listen, and say "Hey, that really stinks." It made me wonder why we haven't really had these conversations with other people. Yes, this is a personal adventure we are on, full of ups and downs, but if you are here on this blog and you know us personally, it means we love you and we trust you enough that we've let you into this adventure with us.

Feel free to ask us about what's going on. Seriously. This is a stressful, emotional, sometimes frustrating thing that we are doing. We've told you because we want your support. We want to hear your excitement. We want your hugs. We want someone to say "that really sucks." Not just hear on the blog (though that's cool too) but also in real life. On occasion we may not want to talk about it, and we might tell you. That just means it's not a good time, and not that you should never bring it up again. It seems like maybe culture says "It's weird to talk to people about making a baby" but it seems weirder when people know about it, and don't mention it. So go ahead, ask questions, be sympathetic, hug freely. We won't mind. (AND it won't be too awkward, because we won't say anything about sex!!)

Moving On Up

In the beautiful park across the street from out apartment

We are moving.

Not far, but away from the current place we're living. The place where I have lived for 7 years. The place I have lived in longer than any other place before it. It's a tiny bit bitter sweet, but mostly sweet. I love this apartment. It's sunny and warm. Large in size. It's in walkable distance to work, downtown, and the park where the farmer's market is on Saturdays.  The price (we are finding) is reasonable for what it is.

So why in the world would we leave?

• Laundry. This place has laundry in the basement, we live on the second floor, the psychological divide from these places is enough to cause me to want to do the sniff test to find the least dirty clothes before actually washing anything. Oh, and it's $3.50 for a load that seems about half the size of an ordinary washing machine. And you have to have cash 5 dollar bill or larger to put into the machine. It's a hassle to say the least. When we have a baby we really need a better laundry situation, if for no other reason than to wash the sweet cloth diapers I already bought. 

• Dishwasher. We discussed long ago that in order to succeed at parenting we were going to need a dishwasher. Call it luxury, we call it sanity preservation. 

• Parking. Right now we have to park on the very busy street we live on. Ali's been in an accident here. Ali's mom has been in an accident here. It's stressful. We don't need that stress when we are dealing with a car seat. 

• Clients. We are less than a half a mile from the homeless shelter where we work. Clients sometimes sit on our front steps (literally) and drink. On occasion there is vomit on the sidewalk It's mostly ok. I once had a really creepy interaction with a client in the park across the street. He was adamant to find out where I lived, the situation followed me back to work....to say it was uncomfortable is an understatement. (Though to be fair, that was one incident in 7 years). Anyway, anywhere we go near here we see clients. We love them, but some space would be nice, especially when we are carting around a tiny human. 

• Set up. For some reason I can not imagine having a baby in this space. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because it's not very open. Maybe it's because I've lived here so long without thinking about a baby. Maybe it's because the bedrooms seem super far away from each other and I worry about my child being that far away from me. 

I've never searched for a home before, so I'm excited to get to it. Also, I really like new adventures with Ali, and doing so with a baby in mind is awesome.  Those who have known me for a long time are probably surprised that I'm not freaking out about this big change. But I'm not. It's amazing, really.

Now all we need is a reasonably priced apartment a bit further away from work, with parking, laundry, and a dishwasher.

We'll have to bring our own baby. We're working on it.

That Time We Didn't Inseminate

After a negative ovulation test last Tuesday night (the 20th) Ali was quite sure that we would be headed to Boston on Thursday. This is pretty early in the cycle for us to have a positive test, but it has been closer to the norm lately. We'll take it. Wednesday morning, we got another negative test. Call woman's intuition, call it the presence of early morning cervical mucus....either way, she was pretty sure it was time. So we tested again at lunchtime. Sure enough, we got the smiley face, and were excited to head to Boston the next day (the 22nd).

Then we did it again.

The cardinal lesbian baby making sin.

We took another ovulation test, even though the clinic says not to.

BUT if you remember our first insemination was done 3 days early do to some weird fluke where the test turned positive one morning, and then went negative for 3 days....before turning positive again, at the time of the actual ovulation. Unfortunately for us the clinic told us to inseminate anyway, and we basically flushed $1000 down the toilet. Literally.

After that cycle we made a couple of insemination rules for our family.

1. We weren't going to inseminate in the future unless we have a negative test followed by two positive test.

2. We weren't going to inseminate unless there was good "egg white" cervical mucus. This is a pretty good indicator of pre-ovulation, and provides a good environment for the swimmers to get where they need to go.

We figured if we followed these rules we'd be more sane, and have a better chance at actually making a baby. We hadn't needed to see if we were serious about these rules until last week.

So we tested again Wednesday night, and it was negative (after the positive test Wednesday morning). SERIOUSLY?! So we tested the SAME urine sample again, and it was positive. This is when I started freaking out. It was a bit too much like our first cycle...and I was worried. We got out the microscope, and saw the ferning, but I was still fairly grumpy and sure that it wasn't going to work. I think Ali was still all set to head out to Boston in the morning, I asked her many times if she was sure, and she assured me that she was. We confirmed our appointment.

When we woke up the next morning I suggested to Ali that we just go to the beach that day, instead of going to Boston. We went back and forth about rather or not we should go to our appointment, and eventually, reluctantly, headed South. By the time we got off the exit Ali was sure that we should not inseminate. After a bit more discussion, hesitation and tears, we ventured into the clinic to see what the penalty was for canceling our appointment with only 10 minutes notice.  They didn't charge us anything, maybe because we were clearly distraught.

Honestly, when Ali said that we shouldn't inseminate I felt at peace for the first time since the weird testing happened the night before. When we discussed going ahead with the insemination we decided that it was just money, and that we'd find more if we needed more swimmers. But I'm not sure I had it in me to do another cycle where we weren't really sure it was going to work. This whole process is emotionally draining enough without adding the stress of possible bad timing into the mix.

We went back and forth on the way home about rather or not we should keep testing. Ali wanted to have more information, and thought we should. I just wanted to be done with this whole cycle. In the end she tested, and it was still positive Thursday night, which meant we could, possibly, go back to Boston for our appointment on Friday. When people do more than one insemination in a month they will often go two days in a row...we have not been doing that, but it was an option.

In the end we decided for sanities sake to go to work the next day, and cancel all of our appointments for this month. Canceling on Thursday and not heading back to Boston on Friday were very difficult decisions to make. Really difficult, and emotional, and not at all fun. But in the end (now that I'm 10 days separated from them), I'm so thankful we did this the way we did. I worry that the stress of the whole situation, of not knowing for sure if it was the right time, may have caused a potential baby to think "No way, I'm not going to join THAT family." (I'm sure babies that are only a few cells big think those things....)

Anyway, now we have still have two excellent shots ahead of us. Two shots that we can control (as much as two people can control these things.) Two shots where we can walk out of the clinic thinking, "we may have just made a baby."

We have two shots, and while this is all an incredible test of patience, I'm hoping we only need one. ;-)

Cuter Things....

We have many books on pregnancy. One specifically on lesbian pregnancy (which, I assume, is not that different from hetero-pregnancy except for how you get the little swimmers in there.) Much of this book is devoted to finances. Basically, it leaves you feeling like if you aren't a millionaire you probably can't afford having a baby. Some sources claiming baby start up feels alone (for things like cribs, car seats etc.) will run you over $5000. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. But maybe they are way off base here. I know some things are better new, but I also know we have a lot of friends who have a lot of baby things they are willing to loan or give to us. There are lots of second hand and consignment shops around specializing in gently used baby things. I know we are going to have to buy some things, but we already have some diapers, hand-me-down clothes, a car seat, a co-sleeper (being stored at a friends, right?!) and free food. How expensive could this little creature be?

(Yes, I'm over simplifying here, I know if we decide to do a day care thing that will be costly, and there are 1000 other little things....) 

BUT...this baby making business is not at all cheap.

Just getting the swimmers and putting them where they need to go is $1000 a month.

Then we need gas to and from Boston, we'll call that $40.

and we need to have lunch while we're there -- $20. (This is a very important part of our ritual....)

Oh! and Parking. We've been lucky enough to be there when the Red Sox are not playing, so it's only been $10 a day.

Then there are these things.

These few little items brought a $52 price tag. Seriously. We are often on the search for cheaper vitamins, this is 100 days worth which ran about $14. We usually buy larger bottles but the little ones were on sale, so we saved a couple of bucks buying it this way. The ovulation tests though....they don't go on sale. They don't vary in price no matter where you get them from. They are nearly $40 nearly every month, and at the end of the day they go in the garbage.

Yes, there are cheaper versions, but we've heard horror stories about other brands not working as well, and with all the other costs, this is a place we have decided not to scrimp.

Not to mention pregnancy tests, which we have bought, but haven't used many of...yet.

We are making it all work with all of these costs at this point....but seriously, I'm ready to start spending my money on way cuter things. 

2 More Tries

We are now the proud owners of two more vials of swimmers. Before last weeks official confirmation that we were not pregnant we decided that if we made a plan we might feel better about what happened next, (since we were out of sperm.) So we decided that we would go ahead and buy more.  We had enough saved for exactly 2 vials plus shipping ($1500). It is important to both of us that we keep paying cash for baby making expenses. We are working hard to pay down debt so we can buy a house some day soon, and not have to worry about all of that haunting us forever. So we spent our savings on exactly 1ml of little sperm.

We decided to keep the same donor, at least for the next two rounds. The first and the third insemination the nurse and PA both commented about how good the specimen looked (they always check them under a microscope.) So we figured it probably isn't their fault that we weren't pregnant yet. Plus, we really liked his profile....so we'll give him a couple more shots.

We start ovulation testing again next Tuesday, with our earliest likely appointment being Thursday. Our swimmers should be in Boston on Tuesday. We had talked briefly about taking a hiatus in August to relax from the emotional ickiness of all of this, but in the end we'd rather be waiting with a purpose. We are on a roll now, we've got any possible mishaps out of the way....Let's make a baby.

Cycle Day 1 or National Rootbeer Float Day

We discovered our un-pregnancy Tuesday afternoon, shortly before our departure from work. Al and I work in the same building for the same agency, but in different programs. It works out great for smiling at your love once or twice during the day, or for delivering breakfast or lunch, or talking quick logistics about the rest of the day. It's also sometimes hard....like when your wife tells you that that thing you had suspected but really wished was not true is actually true. "It's official" is all she needed to tell me that afternoon, and I knew. It's hard because in a moment like that all you want to do is wrap her up in your arms and rub her head and kiss her face, but you can't because you are at work.

So we went home together and we spent some time in tears; frustrated and sad, and all sorts of other emotions. We felt them. Which is important, and something that we have not always done after discovering that that thing we would like the most is not happening, not now.

After the tears were shed we got up, and e-mailed for our next insemination appointments and we headed to the gym. We ran and ran, and it was good. I'm not very athletic but something about listening to "Single Ladies" and running much longer than you thought you were capable of running is very therapeutic.

We went home, and threw away our dinner plans (something wholesome and veggie-rific) and opted instead for potato wedges and peach smoothies, with spinach. These things have become comfort foods at our house.

We watched The Foster's wedding on ABC Family, and I asked my sweet love on a Cycle Day 1 date (a tradition that I was happy to start, but would prefer to never do again.) I saw that our local ice cream shop was celebrating National Root beer Float Day with $1 off floats. My love LOVES root beer, so I knew it would be a perfect Cycle Day 1 adventure. So we went, and enjoyed a tasty treat, and we toasted to new beginnings.

More than a Case of the Mondays

We made the mistake of taking a pregnancy test last night. It was only day 12 post iui (too early to get a really good read), and we took it at night, even though the instructions clearly state that the morning is the best time to do it.

It was negative. Now I am negative.

The negative test coupled with no pregnancy symptoms at all make me fairly pessimistic about this whole process.

I know, somewhere deep inside me, that there's still a chance, but the realistic/grumpy/frustrated part of me is currently winning my internal battle. I thought we had a good shot this time.

I barely slept last night, due mostly to an incredibly painful charley horse. Exhaustion paired with pessimism makes for a pretty rotten Monday morning.

Google Giggles

Over breakfast this morning we were discussing the oddities of being at this stage in the two week wait (11 days post iui) and not really feeling much of anything. Not long after breakfast, when we were at our computers, Ali said "I seem to be having extra plaque build up this week, do you think that's a sign of pregnancy?"

A quick google search and sure enough Oral B does a great write up on gingivitis during pregnancy.

I became convinced that this could happen no matter what we googled and I say, "I have a toenail that's growing extra fast, maybe I'm pregnant." Ali googles it....and guess what?! Suddenly I'm pregnant too! Apparently pregnancy hormones make nails grow faster. (My toenail is fine by the way, I was just being goofy.)

I guess we are going to have to just wait this one out....google is not going to help us decide if we are pregnant or not. At least we got a good laugh out of it!

As Good As It Gets

 We spent the last week at a beautiful state park on a magical lake not far from our house. It was wonderful; swimming, sailing, sea dooing, reading, playing backgammon, painting, roasting marshmallows...all my favorite things. Of course, as luck would have it it was time for ovulation testing while we were there. We'll add Sebago Lake State Park to the list of interesting places we have tested (including bus stations, airports, many friends and relatives homes etc.) Anyway, the test turned positive Monday morning, which meant we'd be heading to Boston on Tuesday morning. We were slightly frustrated with the timing because...we were on vacation, I tried to tell Ali that we didn't have to go, but in the end we decided to take a road trip.

We decided to sleep at home Monday night, which turned our almost 3 hour drive into a less than two hour drive one way. (Good thing too, because it poured all night and flooded our tent!) It was the first time we had been to the clinic for insemination on a week day. I wasn't thrilled about this idea, since we'd always been there on a Sunday, and Amy had always done our inseminations. Ali pointed out that it hadn't worked the last two times, so maybe a new approach was a good thing.

Kenny helped us with our paperwork. He was an awesome sort-of-flamboyant little guy, with long black hair, whose tee-shirt barely met his scrub pants. He made sure we had the right swimmers and was generally friendly while we waited in the waiting room. We hadn't spend much time in the waiting room before...but it was kind of cool, full of gays and lesbians. We don't spend too much time with other queer people, but it's sort of reassuring to know that there are more of them (us) in the world.

Jerry, an older PA, did our insemination. He said that our swimmers might be the best batch he's ever seen (good news!)...AND they were donated on my mom's birthday. She's quite fertile, so it must be a good sign! Jerry had a very slow and steady approach to getting the swimmers in, and instructed me to push the plunger a TINY bit (we're talking 1/2 ml total here, so it really was tiny) wait ten seconds, then plunge again. The procedure was the easiest it had been, and clearly done at the right time (I'll spare you the details).

He left and we had some beautiful family time, so happy that we finally thought that this could work. Then we went back to the lake for 5 more nights of relaxing.

That happened on the 23rd, so we're about 9 days post iui.....and I'm going a tiny bit crazy. I can't help but wonder: HOW IN THE WORLD CAN SOMEONE BE GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE THEM AND NOT KNOW ABOUT IT?? Seriously, I know, if there is something in there it's just a bunch of cells, but it seems as though you should feel SOMETHING. Supposedly people go through there entire pregnancies without ever knowing it, so why should my wife feel anything after 9 days? I keep remembering that after the last two iui's Ali had symptoms -- cramps, fatigue, nausea (sometimes extreme) ....but this time, almost nothing of note. I have to keep reminding myself that those times when she had "symptoms" she was not pregnant. Yesterday I read a study that said that 50% of women experience no symptoms at 5 weeks. I guess since IF we were pregnant we'd only be 3 weeks along I should just chill out for a few more days and see what happens.

I'm hoping for an awesome outcome because otherwise we are out of swimmers and will need to make a plan about how to proceed. That involves lots of decisions, in a short period of time....WOO! We are on a wild ride friends. Send good thoughts our way!

Something to be Proud Of

Several years ago, when I had first moved to this city, I was waiting at a bus stop near my house with my teenage sister, waiting for the bus to take us to the mall. We were on our way to a volunteer at a summer camp for kids with life threatening illnesses, and my sister had forgot her bathing suit. We were in a hurry, and the bus was late.

Before too long the street was blocked off by police officers. I was more intrigued than worried. Within 15 minutes we realized that there was a parade happening, and we were going to see it. Turns out it was the Pride parade. We were from a pretty liberal tiny city, but we didn't know such a thing existed. It seemed fun and festive, we collected some beads and some candy. And then, one of the people in the parade waved at us and shouted "HEEELLLLLOOOOO FELLOW HOMOS!" My sister found it hysterical. I was mortified, and suddenly wished I could be anywhere else in the world.

No doubt it was my inner turmoil that brought me down at that point, I was kind of/sort of involved with one of my best friends from college. A girl. I hadn't told anyone, and it was messy. It was confusing. At that point it hurt more than it felt good. She had a boyfriend. I wasn't gay.

Fast-forward 7 years (!). I am very happily married to an incredible woman. I have successfully avoided the Pride Festival since that day with my sister. At times I find my own lack of enthusiasm regarding PRIDE and embarrassment to my people. I really saw my "coming out" as a non-event. It was declaration of love for a person (who happened to be the same gender as I am) but not much more. It didn't change my clothing choices, or my taste in music, or my desire to go to the Pride Parade. I had friends, I had community, I didn't need to see mostly naked men (or women) dancing on top of trucks in order to be sure of who I was, and who I loved.

BUT, our church is on the parade route, and our friend Tad was planning to stand outside and hand out bubbles, and lollipops and buttons with an important message: "You are Loved." So we semi-reluctantly agreed to go help out. We got to the church  early to decorate with rainbow kites and various whirly gigs. We brought out bright colored fabric, and rainbow umbrellas. We wore leis and I whipped out my rainbow wig.

When the parade started we decided to go out into the street and give our trinkets to the people marching in the parade. They were happy to get fun toys, and candy, but extra excited for the buttons. I gave a button to a teenager who took it from my hand and said with joy, "That's right, I AM loved. Take that parents." While it's heart breaking that this young person does not feel loved by his parents because of his orientation (I assume), I am encouraged by the thought that on this day he knew that he was worthy of love, even if it was in the form of a button from a complete stranger.


I didn't think I wanted or needed the "gay community." However,  it was pretty powerful seeing the parade and realizing how lucky we are to live in a place where restaurants, jewelers, banks, churches, and even the animal shelter would march in a parade that says that all love is valued, honored, and celebrated. The mayor and the police chief served as marshalls in the parade, riding in cars and waving to the parade goers. To me this is incredible. Because of this one day celebration young gay kids (and old gay kids) can see that there are places in this city where they are safe and valued....and that's something to be proud of.

Back to the Start

We are decidedly not pregnant. Obviously, we would prefer for this not to be true. The cycle ended last Monday, right on schedule. We are sad to not be pregnant, but we are thankful that the cycle started that day because it means we inseminated on the right day(we were worried we did not)....and everything is working just the way it should. YAY for normal-ish cycles. 

Intentionally trying to make a baby is a bit like getting whiplash every two weeks, over and over again. It is very strange to be quite hopeful one day that there is a tiny human growing, and just a few hours later to know there is not. It feels like you have lost something, though it was never really there. Then, just as quickly (without anytime to really contemplate what has happened) you have appointments for the next insemination, the next shot to make your family a little more awesome. I'm ready. Come on awesome!! 

2 Weeks and a Dozen Emotions

If you've been here, then you know. The time between insemination and either confirming or denying your pregnancy is treacherous. Since our second insemination on the 16th between Ali and I I'm pretty sure we've experienced a full gamut of emotions.

We tested positive on the 15th, a bit late in the cycle (day 24ish), but doable in terms of our schedule, and not the latest it has ever been.

Relief.

We were finally trying again! and this time it seemed clear that this really was the right time.

Excitement.

We get the call that our favorite nurse is going to be doing the insemination.

Delight.

We got to the clinic to realize that they had double booked our appointment.

Annoyance, but only slight.

There were a couple of babies in the office, signs that maybe the clinic was doing something right.

Hope.

The nurse had a hard time getting the catheter where it needed to go (the uterus). She left the room to get another catheter, one that was more bendy. She came back to describe that when she was testing he catheter to see if they should buy more the tip fell off and the water they were inseminating into the rubber vagina squirted all over her. I see something dripping from the catheter and it's not water, it's our $1300 an mL sperm. She attempts to fix the catheter and I push the plunger.

Worry.

We head for home, over the next few days Ali experiences signs of ovulation, signs that may indicate we did this at the wrong time....again. (Though looking over old charts we discover that maybe it's just what her body does.) In the mean time, I can't help but wonder if all the swimmers were squirted onto the paper sheet instead of into my wife's uterus. I wonder why this can't just go smoothly, why we can't leave the clinic thinking that there is a chance. Weezer comes on my Pandora station at work (our donor supposedly looks like the lead singer of Weezer). I see his face and start to cry, at work, over Weezer.

Anger.

The middle time always seems to be the easiest for us. Ali's birthday is on the 19th. We celebrated. We manage to fall back into a routine realizing that there is little we can do to make it or break it. We eat organic produce and go to the beach.

Content.

Then we woke up today, and my sweet wife (who we desperately wish was pregnant) was nauseous and slightly crampy, and you can't help but wonder if it's an early sign of pregnancy, or if it's because she ate too much guacamole last night, or if it's all some psychological trick her body is playing on us.

Anxious. Cautiously Excited. Hopeful.

We are under no false illusions that this is really meaningful. But it does remind me that anything is possible. In the next few days we COULD find out there's a tiny human growing in there. Or we could find out that we have to do this all again. Either way, we're moving forward. Either way we're going to keep trying, and keep being thankful that we have each other, and some (very limited) resources to make this happen.

Love.