That Time We Didn't Inseminate

After a negative ovulation test last Tuesday night (the 20th) Ali was quite sure that we would be headed to Boston on Thursday. This is pretty early in the cycle for us to have a positive test, but it has been closer to the norm lately. We'll take it. Wednesday morning, we got another negative test. Call woman's intuition, call it the presence of early morning cervical mucus....either way, she was pretty sure it was time. So we tested again at lunchtime. Sure enough, we got the smiley face, and were excited to head to Boston the next day (the 22nd).

Then we did it again.

The cardinal lesbian baby making sin.

We took another ovulation test, even though the clinic says not to.

BUT if you remember our first insemination was done 3 days early do to some weird fluke where the test turned positive one morning, and then went negative for 3 days....before turning positive again, at the time of the actual ovulation. Unfortunately for us the clinic told us to inseminate anyway, and we basically flushed $1000 down the toilet. Literally.

After that cycle we made a couple of insemination rules for our family.

1. We weren't going to inseminate in the future unless we have a negative test followed by two positive test.

2. We weren't going to inseminate unless there was good "egg white" cervical mucus. This is a pretty good indicator of pre-ovulation, and provides a good environment for the swimmers to get where they need to go.

We figured if we followed these rules we'd be more sane, and have a better chance at actually making a baby. We hadn't needed to see if we were serious about these rules until last week.

So we tested again Wednesday night, and it was negative (after the positive test Wednesday morning). SERIOUSLY?! So we tested the SAME urine sample again, and it was positive. This is when I started freaking out. It was a bit too much like our first cycle...and I was worried. We got out the microscope, and saw the ferning, but I was still fairly grumpy and sure that it wasn't going to work. I think Ali was still all set to head out to Boston in the morning, I asked her many times if she was sure, and she assured me that she was. We confirmed our appointment.

When we woke up the next morning I suggested to Ali that we just go to the beach that day, instead of going to Boston. We went back and forth about rather or not we should go to our appointment, and eventually, reluctantly, headed South. By the time we got off the exit Ali was sure that we should not inseminate. After a bit more discussion, hesitation and tears, we ventured into the clinic to see what the penalty was for canceling our appointment with only 10 minutes notice.  They didn't charge us anything, maybe because we were clearly distraught.

Honestly, when Ali said that we shouldn't inseminate I felt at peace for the first time since the weird testing happened the night before. When we discussed going ahead with the insemination we decided that it was just money, and that we'd find more if we needed more swimmers. But I'm not sure I had it in me to do another cycle where we weren't really sure it was going to work. This whole process is emotionally draining enough without adding the stress of possible bad timing into the mix.

We went back and forth on the way home about rather or not we should keep testing. Ali wanted to have more information, and thought we should. I just wanted to be done with this whole cycle. In the end she tested, and it was still positive Thursday night, which meant we could, possibly, go back to Boston for our appointment on Friday. When people do more than one insemination in a month they will often go two days in a row...we have not been doing that, but it was an option.

In the end we decided for sanities sake to go to work the next day, and cancel all of our appointments for this month. Canceling on Thursday and not heading back to Boston on Friday were very difficult decisions to make. Really difficult, and emotional, and not at all fun. But in the end (now that I'm 10 days separated from them), I'm so thankful we did this the way we did. I worry that the stress of the whole situation, of not knowing for sure if it was the right time, may have caused a potential baby to think "No way, I'm not going to join THAT family." (I'm sure babies that are only a few cells big think those things....)

Anyway, now we have still have two excellent shots ahead of us. Two shots that we can control (as much as two people can control these things.) Two shots where we can walk out of the clinic thinking, "we may have just made a baby."

We have two shots, and while this is all an incredible test of patience, I'm hoping we only need one. ;-)