2 Weeks and a Dozen Emotions

If you've been here, then you know. The time between insemination and either confirming or denying your pregnancy is treacherous. Since our second insemination on the 16th between Ali and I I'm pretty sure we've experienced a full gamut of emotions.

We tested positive on the 15th, a bit late in the cycle (day 24ish), but doable in terms of our schedule, and not the latest it has ever been.

Relief.

We were finally trying again! and this time it seemed clear that this really was the right time.

Excitement.

We get the call that our favorite nurse is going to be doing the insemination.

Delight.

We got to the clinic to realize that they had double booked our appointment.

Annoyance, but only slight.

There were a couple of babies in the office, signs that maybe the clinic was doing something right.

Hope.

The nurse had a hard time getting the catheter where it needed to go (the uterus). She left the room to get another catheter, one that was more bendy. She came back to describe that when she was testing he catheter to see if they should buy more the tip fell off and the water they were inseminating into the rubber vagina squirted all over her. I see something dripping from the catheter and it's not water, it's our $1300 an mL sperm. She attempts to fix the catheter and I push the plunger.

Worry.

We head for home, over the next few days Ali experiences signs of ovulation, signs that may indicate we did this at the wrong time....again. (Though looking over old charts we discover that maybe it's just what her body does.) In the mean time, I can't help but wonder if all the swimmers were squirted onto the paper sheet instead of into my wife's uterus. I wonder why this can't just go smoothly, why we can't leave the clinic thinking that there is a chance. Weezer comes on my Pandora station at work (our donor supposedly looks like the lead singer of Weezer). I see his face and start to cry, at work, over Weezer.

Anger.

The middle time always seems to be the easiest for us. Ali's birthday is on the 19th. We celebrated. We manage to fall back into a routine realizing that there is little we can do to make it or break it. We eat organic produce and go to the beach.

Content.

Then we woke up today, and my sweet wife (who we desperately wish was pregnant) was nauseous and slightly crampy, and you can't help but wonder if it's an early sign of pregnancy, or if it's because she ate too much guacamole last night, or if it's all some psychological trick her body is playing on us.

Anxious. Cautiously Excited. Hopeful.

We are under no false illusions that this is really meaningful. But it does remind me that anything is possible. In the next few days we COULD find out there's a tiny human growing in there. Or we could find out that we have to do this all again. Either way, we're moving forward. Either way we're going to keep trying, and keep being thankful that we have each other, and some (very limited) resources to make this happen.

Love.