Cloth Diapers

I bought cloth diapers last week. Yes, you read the last post correctly, we are not pregnant...but let me explain!

I've had a bit of an obsession with cloth diapers for a long time. They are so cute! Not to mention their
financial and environmental benefits. I've been reading, and researching and talking to other cloth diaper users for a while now. I knew when the time came we were going to use cloth diapers for our baby. I knew which cloth diapers we were going to use. I "liked" the cloth diaper company on facebook. I read their blog.  Last Monday (Earth Day) something happened. They marked the diaper packs on sale ($10.00 off each pack!) They offered free disposable inserts, they offered free shipping. All of this on the diapers I thought we should use. I told Ali to tell me not to buy them. She didn't. She pointed to colors she liked. So I did it! No regrets.

I'm hoping our baby will be slightly less furry...but you get the idea!

Two Rounds Are Better Than One

We are officially not pregnant. Based on the timing of when the next cycle started it seems like the first iui did not occur at the right time. It's slightly frustrating because we paid all of that money, and told them we didn't think it was the right time, and they told us to go get inseminated anyway. Oh well, we learned to be slightly more cautious of the Ovulation Predictor Kit, when not paired with all the other symptoms she usually experiences. It's also a bit of a relief that it seems likely that the timing was off. It makes us think that there was nothing really wrong, it was just that we didn't inseminate on the right day.

On to round two. It's a bit hard to get excited about round two. Last month everything was new, and we were full of hope, it's amazing how just one failed cycle can make you a little skeptical about the whole process. Though, in a way it's less stressful this way. We're not counting everyday like we were last month, we're just sort of living life knowing that in a couple weeks we'll start testing again, but it's not occupying everything we are doing.

On the plus side: this means we will not have a Christmas baby. Everyone I know who has a December birthday complains about it.....glad we dodged that one ;-)

On the not-so-plus side: We are headed to Tennessee for a few days right at the start of when we might possibly need to inseminate. I REALLY hope we don't miss the window.

In other news: In my brain, since before we even bought sperm, we would get pregnant on the second try. Sometimes my brain is right. I hope it is this time!

Pre-Baby Babymoon

Apparently all the cool kids are taking "Babymoons." I hadn't heard the phrase until a couple of months ago when several of my friends declared they were going on one. Basically the idea is to get one big hoorah in before your baby comes. I chance to relax, and be together. Sounds great to me!!

For Christmas we got a gift certificate to this incredible inn only a couple hours from our house, that we had been to before and LOVED. We planned to take our trip over Patriot's Day, because we had an extra day off of work, and it was supposed to be right before our first iui. Well, plans changed and we decided to do our iui in March (which became the start of April) which meant our adventure fell right in the middle of our (dreaded) two week wait.

Can I just say it was amazing! We have filed it away as one of the best weekends ever.

We got there just in time for afternoon tea.  They put out five different kinds of fresh baked cookies and tea.
The napped on the king sized bed with like 8000 count sheets.
Then we ate some more.
Then we put in a movie and snuggled by the fire until it was time to go back to sleep.

They had a two course breakfast everyday. (Pictured, banana cream french toast, cumin bacon and fruit, this was the second course. The first course was baked pears on lemon poppyseed bread, with lemon and raspberry sauce...yum.)
We wandered around to the shops and bought yummy cheese and veggies for lunch.
Then we had cookies, tea, and a nap.
Then we had a five course dinner which was a very delicious adventure. Seriously gourmet foods that we would probably never cook or eat. We had no choice over the menu, but it was fantastic.

On Monday after we checked out we went on a hike up Maiden's cliff. It was the perfect Spring day for a hike.

Did I mention there was a jacuzzi tub?

Everything about this adventure was amazing and relaxing. We didn't have to worry about cooking, or cleaning, or working. We just enjoyed each other's company, and got lots of sleep. Any talk of the hopeful pregnancy was not filled with anxiety but excitement that someday we'll get to share so many awesome things with a tiny human. It was magical.

The Ride Continues

The first few days after the iui were unpleasant at best, and torturous at worst. The internet became our worst enemy as we googled everything that might possibly be happening to Ali's body. I have become fairly certain that any internet search can (and does) yield in the full spectrum of possible explanations for a particular symptom. Each time we searched something we got everything from "You are definitely pregnant, even though that's not even possible yet" to "you have a serious infection and will probably never make a baby because of the horrible bacteria eating your girl parts." Yeah, that was fun.

Personally, I spent the day after the iui in complete doubt. I didn't really think about it, I didn't google anything, I just figured it didn't work. By Tuesday I had some hope. Unfortunately, the hope was accompanied by some signs that Ali might be ovulating (for the first time? again?) ....which would be really bad considering that we had inseminated days ago (and frozen sperm doesn't seem to last that long). There were tears. Luckily, it was also free cone day at Ben and Jerry's, which doesn't solve anything but is delicious.

By the time Wednesday rolled around it had been several days since either of us had gotten a full nights sleep. We were exhausted, and worried, and sad, and 1000 other emotions all at the same time. We e-mailed the coordinator of the AI program at the clinic to ask her if we should start testing again, and maybe inseminate again this month if it seemed the time was right. This is something that we had previously decided we weren't going to do mostly because of the money, and the fact that we really only have 3 shots at this before we run out of money. To use two of them in the same month seemed like a bad idea....until it seemed like a good idea. I headed to work and Ali decided to take another ovulation test, and it came back positive. She called me at work crying. There's really no reason why she should have gotten 2 positive ovulation test 4 days apart. Which made us think that we had definitely inseminated at the wrong time. We were pretty devastated.

Luckily the woman from the clinic called. She basically said that they have no idea why the ovulation tests were positive so far apart. It does not mean that Sunday was the wrong day to inseminate. She recommended some stress relieving techniques, including NOT testing anymore (and definitely not inseminating again this month) and also not taking Ali's temperature in the morning. She also recommended that we use next month to gather information, and not inseminate. We may just ignore that last little bit of advice because we've spent the last 6 months gathering information and the information that we have is that every cycle is pretty different. We will however, be more cautious about when we choose to inseminate, based on the symptoms that she is exhibiting at the time of the positive ovulation test.

Strangely, that conversation made us feel better. We knew that we could go through the next couple of weeks without any tests, or thermometers. Ali had been taking her temperature super early every morning since October and charting it. She was worried about what her temperature would do after the insemination which led to some insomnia. Once she agreed to not take it for at least the rest of this cycle  she (and I) both went back to sleeping through the night. That in itself was an amazing gift.

Our friends have been incredible, calling, dropping by, letting us show up uninvited to their homes. I know some people are reluctant to share the details of this process with people, but I think its totally awesome to be surrounded by people who are cheering us on.

This Roller Coaster Ride We Are On

Saturday morning we work up to this.

We were shocked. Last month we didn't get a positive ovulation test until day 29. Saturday was only day 16. To say we were excited would be an understatement. Ali reacted as I would imagine she would if someone told her we had just won the lottery without even playing. Except it was better, because it meant this making a baby thing was becoming real. We were really going to do this. A positive test on Saturday would mean that our first IUI would be on Sunday. This was PERFECT. The Red Sox weren't playing, so we would be able to find parking in Boston. We wouldn't have to miss a work day. We'd have it done before going away for our mini-adventure next weekend. It was great.

Then we did the thing that you're not supposed to do after you have a positive ovulation test. We tested again. Only 2 hours later (they are supposed to be at least 4 hours apart). It was negative. We proceeded to test 3 more times, 4 hours apart, all negative.

So we panicked.

This maybe TMI but ovulation generally comes what they call egg white cervical mucus. There was none. So that paired with the negative tests lead us to google, and to thinking that perhaps we had a false positive test. We were pretty stressed most of the day, and even went as far as doing an at home cervical exam (which didn't tell us much of anything, since I'm not a trained medical professional  and all the you-tube videos in the world can't teach you that).

So we did what any self respecting women who really wanted a baby would do. We bought a microscope. We heard that when you were ovulating your saliva looked like ferns. So we bought it, and we checked Ali's saliva, and sure enough. Ferns. We got a bit of our excitement back...but still weren't totally convinced that this was the right time.

We called the health center and asked them to call us back regarding our appointment. The nurse who called back asked all the right questions and consulted with the medical director of the program and called back and said that the program was designed around positive tests, and if we had one we should inseminate.

So we made an appointment and headed to Boston, with a mix of emotions. Wondering if this was the right decision. If we were wrong, we were out $1000. If we were right, well....we may have made a baby.

We got to the health center and the nurse was incredible. She was amazing at explaining every detail to us as it was happening. She looked at some of our swimmers under the microscope (we assume a better one than the $14.99 version we bought at Toys R Us the previous night) and said it was a really good sample. (AND it was donated on my birthday, which can't be a bad sign!) When preparing for the insemination she said it looked like it was actually a good time to inseminate. She made us feel hopeful, which was great. Once she got everything set up she asked if I wanted to push the syringe. That was pretty exciting, and Ali says that now when she's in labor she can yell "YOU DID THIS TO ME!" and it will be true.

The nurse left the room and told us to enjoy some family time, and we did. Including reading this great book recommended from another blogist. It's about a little boy who plants seeds and then there is a lot of waiting and hoping and wishing, and wondering what is going on underground where you can't see it. It was pretty fantastic.

Then we ate at this great little Thai place that we found near the clinic, that we have eaten at every time we've been down there.

On our way home we MAY have stopped at Target to buy a pregnancy test (or 5). You can never be too prepared.

And now we wait. Waiting, I'm positive is the hardest part.

How it All Works or Lesbian Baby Making 101

We've had lots of questions from our friends and family about how to make a baby when both parents are women. Keep in mind that this varies based on age, geography and certain motherly preferences , but I'll share with you our process.

We decided early on to go on this adventure with the help of a well known health center in Boston that has been doing the work of getting lesbians and single women pregnant for decades. It's an expensive and potentially emotionally draining process so we thought that leaving it to the experts would be wise. We think this will give us the best chance of success.

Steps we've already taken:

• In October we went to an orientation at the health center, that outlined lots of things about what to expect and how the process works. 
• We began tracking Ali's basal body temperature first thing every morning for the last 6 months, supposedly before she moves or talks. (Which is impossible because she needs to move to get the thermometer....but you get the point.) We've learned lots of fascinating things about how hormones change throughout your menstrual cycle, and that causes your temperature to change. Your temperature rises after you ovulate, and drops back down right be for you menstruate. 
• We've been practicing with the ovulation predictor kits. Basically works like a pregnancy test, but measures the hormone that increases at ovulation. When the hormone spikes we see a little smiley face. It's cute. 
• Ali had a complete physical and a ton of tests to make sure that she was healthy to carry a cute little baby. 
• We had our enrollment and medical visits at the health center. They gave us more details about scheduling appointments etc. The nurse practitioner reviewed some dos and don'ts and cleared us to go buy sperm. 
• We own sperm! It's waiting for us in Boston in it's cute little nitrogen tank. We have enough sperm for 3 cycles. Hopefully it won't take more than that because those little bottles run $650 for .5ml. I'm pretty sure that's more expensive than gold. 
• We've made appointments for our first IUI. On the first day of the menstrual cycle we call the clinic and set up appointments for every day that you might ovulate. Because my wife's cycles fluctuate somewhere between 32 and 45 days we have appointments set everyday for 14 days. Each night we have to either cancel or confirm the appointment for the next day. 

So we are in full swing now. Any day now we could be packing up and driving south for our first shot at growing our little family. Then we wait a couple of weeks to do the pregnancy test. Then if it's negative we wait a couple more weeks to try again. I'm practicing patience. 

Conversations I Never Thought I'd Have

I am generally a very private person. Since starting this trying to conceive adventure there are many things that I've been talking about that I NEVER thought I would talk about. For example: sperm, another woman's menstrual cycle, the frequency in which someone urinates. It's all fascinating, really. 

Me with our sweet niece, Hannah

I imagine this will be the first of several posts like this in the future. For now, here are a few funny examples.

Last weekend we were riding to my aunt's house for Easter and we were talking about how excited we were to see our niece, Hannah, who is just about 3 months old. I looked at Ali and said "We haven't seen Hannah since before you last ovulated." Yup, time is now literally revolving around my wife's cycle. Too funny.

Yesterday I received an e-mail at work from my mom that said simply, "Any ovulation happening?" It could be possible she's obsessed with grand-babies ...but can you blame her, look how cute Hannah is!

I had the following conversation with Ali today by text message when she was on her way home from work.

Me: Do you want to go on an adventure.
Ali: Yes!!
Me: Great, do you need to pee first?
Ali: No, I can't pee until 6:30, will we be back by then?
Me: I'll pack supplies just in case.

Yes, we are back into the habit of timing when she pees so we can use the ovulation predictor kits. She has to test twice a day, about the same time every day, and it has to be at least 4 hours since you've last gone. It makes for a tricky day sometimes. But it'll be worth it soon enough!

What Story Will We Tell?

We start ovulation testing today. Which means, because of my wife's varying cycle lengths, that we are anywhere between a few days and two weeks away from our first IUI appointment. I've been following lots of lesbian mommy blogs for months now and I have heard many different stories.

I have read about women getting pregnant right away.

I have read about a woman trying 7 times, and then deciding for her wife to try, and her getting pregnant the first time.

I have heard about a couple trying to get pregnant 30+ times with known and unknown donors, and still not having a baby.

But those are their stories to tell. On the brink of this new adventure I wonder what story we will tell. Will this blog turn into a tale of the agony of trying and waiting and testing and waiting and testing and trying over and over again? Or will it quickly turn from a trying to conceive blog to an expecting blog?

Obviously, I have no idea. But the thought that we could find out that we are pregnant in a few weeks is pretty incredible. I know, I know, I won't get my hopes up. I'm practicing patience both for the next few weeks, and the two weeks after that, and longer and longer until we have a tiny human in our arms.

I just hope it's not too long from now ;-)

Words to Live By

We go to a pretty amazing church. It is relevant, social justice focused, and fully inclusive of all people. Each year on Easter we participate in the "Easter Egg Challenge." Each attendee gets to pick an Easter Egg from a basket. In each egg is a piece of chocolate and a challenge. In past years the challenges have been specific ideas about things to do to make yourself a better person, or to grow more deeply.

For example:

• Clean out your closets, and give the contents to someone who needs it.
• Talk to a stranger
• Volunteer at the soup kitchen
• Start a gratitude journal
• Visit a church in a different tradition
• Read a spiritual book

This year we spent time on Easter talking about how what we think about and talk about can change our behaviors. We talked about how that is one of the benefits of being a part of a community of faith, the more we think and talk about hope, love, courage, balance, forgiveness etc. the better we will get at embodying these things.

So this year our eggs contained 1 of 28 words (and chocolate) with simple directions to pray about these words, and look for ways to live them out in our lives.

We are on the brink of our first IUI (as in, it could be this week). My wife tends to be anxious and worry about things (though in her defense she seems quite calm), and I am so excited about the prospect of having a baby that I don't understand why it hasn't already happened. Can you guess what words we picked from the basket?

For the wife: Peace
For me: Patience

Seriously.

I'm not sure I believe in divine intervention but I'm pretty sure these are the exact words that we need to focus us in the coming weeks.