Cuter Things....

We have many books on pregnancy. One specifically on lesbian pregnancy (which, I assume, is not that different from hetero-pregnancy except for how you get the little swimmers in there.) Much of this book is devoted to finances. Basically, it leaves you feeling like if you aren't a millionaire you probably can't afford having a baby. Some sources claiming baby start up feels alone (for things like cribs, car seats etc.) will run you over $5000. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. But maybe they are way off base here. I know some things are better new, but I also know we have a lot of friends who have a lot of baby things they are willing to loan or give to us. There are lots of second hand and consignment shops around specializing in gently used baby things. I know we are going to have to buy some things, but we already have some diapers, hand-me-down clothes, a car seat, a co-sleeper (being stored at a friends, right?!) and free food. How expensive could this little creature be?

(Yes, I'm over simplifying here, I know if we decide to do a day care thing that will be costly, and there are 1000 other little things....) 

BUT...this baby making business is not at all cheap.

Just getting the swimmers and putting them where they need to go is $1000 a month.

Then we need gas to and from Boston, we'll call that $40.

and we need to have lunch while we're there -- $20. (This is a very important part of our ritual....)

Oh! and Parking. We've been lucky enough to be there when the Red Sox are not playing, so it's only been $10 a day.

Then there are these things.

These few little items brought a $52 price tag. Seriously. We are often on the search for cheaper vitamins, this is 100 days worth which ran about $14. We usually buy larger bottles but the little ones were on sale, so we saved a couple of bucks buying it this way. The ovulation tests though....they don't go on sale. They don't vary in price no matter where you get them from. They are nearly $40 nearly every month, and at the end of the day they go in the garbage.

Yes, there are cheaper versions, but we've heard horror stories about other brands not working as well, and with all the other costs, this is a place we have decided not to scrimp.

Not to mention pregnancy tests, which we have bought, but haven't used many of...yet.

We are making it all work with all of these costs at this point....but seriously, I'm ready to start spending my money on way cuter things. 

2 More Tries

We are now the proud owners of two more vials of swimmers. Before last weeks official confirmation that we were not pregnant we decided that if we made a plan we might feel better about what happened next, (since we were out of sperm.) So we decided that we would go ahead and buy more.  We had enough saved for exactly 2 vials plus shipping ($1500). It is important to both of us that we keep paying cash for baby making expenses. We are working hard to pay down debt so we can buy a house some day soon, and not have to worry about all of that haunting us forever. So we spent our savings on exactly 1ml of little sperm.

We decided to keep the same donor, at least for the next two rounds. The first and the third insemination the nurse and PA both commented about how good the specimen looked (they always check them under a microscope.) So we figured it probably isn't their fault that we weren't pregnant yet. Plus, we really liked his profile....so we'll give him a couple more shots.

We start ovulation testing again next Tuesday, with our earliest likely appointment being Thursday. Our swimmers should be in Boston on Tuesday. We had talked briefly about taking a hiatus in August to relax from the emotional ickiness of all of this, but in the end we'd rather be waiting with a purpose. We are on a roll now, we've got any possible mishaps out of the way....Let's make a baby.

Cycle Day 1 or National Rootbeer Float Day

We discovered our un-pregnancy Tuesday afternoon, shortly before our departure from work. Al and I work in the same building for the same agency, but in different programs. It works out great for smiling at your love once or twice during the day, or for delivering breakfast or lunch, or talking quick logistics about the rest of the day. It's also sometimes hard....like when your wife tells you that that thing you had suspected but really wished was not true is actually true. "It's official" is all she needed to tell me that afternoon, and I knew. It's hard because in a moment like that all you want to do is wrap her up in your arms and rub her head and kiss her face, but you can't because you are at work.

So we went home together and we spent some time in tears; frustrated and sad, and all sorts of other emotions. We felt them. Which is important, and something that we have not always done after discovering that that thing we would like the most is not happening, not now.

After the tears were shed we got up, and e-mailed for our next insemination appointments and we headed to the gym. We ran and ran, and it was good. I'm not very athletic but something about listening to "Single Ladies" and running much longer than you thought you were capable of running is very therapeutic.

We went home, and threw away our dinner plans (something wholesome and veggie-rific) and opted instead for potato wedges and peach smoothies, with spinach. These things have become comfort foods at our house.

We watched The Foster's wedding on ABC Family, and I asked my sweet love on a Cycle Day 1 date (a tradition that I was happy to start, but would prefer to never do again.) I saw that our local ice cream shop was celebrating National Root beer Float Day with $1 off floats. My love LOVES root beer, so I knew it would be a perfect Cycle Day 1 adventure. So we went, and enjoyed a tasty treat, and we toasted to new beginnings.

More than a Case of the Mondays

We made the mistake of taking a pregnancy test last night. It was only day 12 post iui (too early to get a really good read), and we took it at night, even though the instructions clearly state that the morning is the best time to do it.

It was negative. Now I am negative.

The negative test coupled with no pregnancy symptoms at all make me fairly pessimistic about this whole process.

I know, somewhere deep inside me, that there's still a chance, but the realistic/grumpy/frustrated part of me is currently winning my internal battle. I thought we had a good shot this time.

I barely slept last night, due mostly to an incredibly painful charley horse. Exhaustion paired with pessimism makes for a pretty rotten Monday morning.

Google Giggles

Over breakfast this morning we were discussing the oddities of being at this stage in the two week wait (11 days post iui) and not really feeling much of anything. Not long after breakfast, when we were at our computers, Ali said "I seem to be having extra plaque build up this week, do you think that's a sign of pregnancy?"

A quick google search and sure enough Oral B does a great write up on gingivitis during pregnancy.

I became convinced that this could happen no matter what we googled and I say, "I have a toenail that's growing extra fast, maybe I'm pregnant." Ali googles it....and guess what?! Suddenly I'm pregnant too! Apparently pregnancy hormones make nails grow faster. (My toenail is fine by the way, I was just being goofy.)

I guess we are going to have to just wait this one out....google is not going to help us decide if we are pregnant or not. At least we got a good laugh out of it!

As Good As It Gets

 We spent the last week at a beautiful state park on a magical lake not far from our house. It was wonderful; swimming, sailing, sea dooing, reading, playing backgammon, painting, roasting marshmallows...all my favorite things. Of course, as luck would have it it was time for ovulation testing while we were there. We'll add Sebago Lake State Park to the list of interesting places we have tested (including bus stations, airports, many friends and relatives homes etc.) Anyway, the test turned positive Monday morning, which meant we'd be heading to Boston on Tuesday morning. We were slightly frustrated with the timing because...we were on vacation, I tried to tell Ali that we didn't have to go, but in the end we decided to take a road trip.

We decided to sleep at home Monday night, which turned our almost 3 hour drive into a less than two hour drive one way. (Good thing too, because it poured all night and flooded our tent!) It was the first time we had been to the clinic for insemination on a week day. I wasn't thrilled about this idea, since we'd always been there on a Sunday, and Amy had always done our inseminations. Ali pointed out that it hadn't worked the last two times, so maybe a new approach was a good thing.

Kenny helped us with our paperwork. He was an awesome sort-of-flamboyant little guy, with long black hair, whose tee-shirt barely met his scrub pants. He made sure we had the right swimmers and was generally friendly while we waited in the waiting room. We hadn't spend much time in the waiting room before...but it was kind of cool, full of gays and lesbians. We don't spend too much time with other queer people, but it's sort of reassuring to know that there are more of them (us) in the world.

Jerry, an older PA, did our insemination. He said that our swimmers might be the best batch he's ever seen (good news!)...AND they were donated on my mom's birthday. She's quite fertile, so it must be a good sign! Jerry had a very slow and steady approach to getting the swimmers in, and instructed me to push the plunger a TINY bit (we're talking 1/2 ml total here, so it really was tiny) wait ten seconds, then plunge again. The procedure was the easiest it had been, and clearly done at the right time (I'll spare you the details).

He left and we had some beautiful family time, so happy that we finally thought that this could work. Then we went back to the lake for 5 more nights of relaxing.

That happened on the 23rd, so we're about 9 days post iui.....and I'm going a tiny bit crazy. I can't help but wonder: HOW IN THE WORLD CAN SOMEONE BE GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE THEM AND NOT KNOW ABOUT IT?? Seriously, I know, if there is something in there it's just a bunch of cells, but it seems as though you should feel SOMETHING. Supposedly people go through there entire pregnancies without ever knowing it, so why should my wife feel anything after 9 days? I keep remembering that after the last two iui's Ali had symptoms -- cramps, fatigue, nausea (sometimes extreme) ....but this time, almost nothing of note. I have to keep reminding myself that those times when she had "symptoms" she was not pregnant. Yesterday I read a study that said that 50% of women experience no symptoms at 5 weeks. I guess since IF we were pregnant we'd only be 3 weeks along I should just chill out for a few more days and see what happens.

I'm hoping for an awesome outcome because otherwise we are out of swimmers and will need to make a plan about how to proceed. That involves lots of decisions, in a short period of time....WOO! We are on a wild ride friends. Send good thoughts our way!