2 Weeks and a Dozen Emotions

If you've been here, then you know. The time between insemination and either confirming or denying your pregnancy is treacherous. Since our second insemination on the 16th between Ali and I I'm pretty sure we've experienced a full gamut of emotions.

We tested positive on the 15th, a bit late in the cycle (day 24ish), but doable in terms of our schedule, and not the latest it has ever been.

Relief.

We were finally trying again! and this time it seemed clear that this really was the right time.

Excitement.

We get the call that our favorite nurse is going to be doing the insemination.

Delight.

We got to the clinic to realize that they had double booked our appointment.

Annoyance, but only slight.

There were a couple of babies in the office, signs that maybe the clinic was doing something right.

Hope.

The nurse had a hard time getting the catheter where it needed to go (the uterus). She left the room to get another catheter, one that was more bendy. She came back to describe that when she was testing he catheter to see if they should buy more the tip fell off and the water they were inseminating into the rubber vagina squirted all over her. I see something dripping from the catheter and it's not water, it's our $1300 an mL sperm. She attempts to fix the catheter and I push the plunger.

Worry.

We head for home, over the next few days Ali experiences signs of ovulation, signs that may indicate we did this at the wrong time....again. (Though looking over old charts we discover that maybe it's just what her body does.) In the mean time, I can't help but wonder if all the swimmers were squirted onto the paper sheet instead of into my wife's uterus. I wonder why this can't just go smoothly, why we can't leave the clinic thinking that there is a chance. Weezer comes on my Pandora station at work (our donor supposedly looks like the lead singer of Weezer). I see his face and start to cry, at work, over Weezer.

Anger.

The middle time always seems to be the easiest for us. Ali's birthday is on the 19th. We celebrated. We manage to fall back into a routine realizing that there is little we can do to make it or break it. We eat organic produce and go to the beach.

Content.

Then we woke up today, and my sweet wife (who we desperately wish was pregnant) was nauseous and slightly crampy, and you can't help but wonder if it's an early sign of pregnancy, or if it's because she ate too much guacamole last night, or if it's all some psychological trick her body is playing on us.

Anxious. Cautiously Excited. Hopeful.

We are under no false illusions that this is really meaningful. But it does remind me that anything is possible. In the next few days we COULD find out there's a tiny human growing in there. Or we could find out that we have to do this all again. Either way, we're moving forward. Either way we're going to keep trying, and keep being thankful that we have each other, and some (very limited) resources to make this happen.

Love.

Fertility Foods

I am a reader. Much to my wife's dismay, I read things, and then I want us to change because of them. I

often start conversations "So, I was reading today..." to which she groans, then listens, and usually goes along with whatever ridiculous thing I have just discovered is very important. Mostly it has to do with environmental things, chemicals that we should avoid, how most sunscreens cause cancer etc.

Being somewhat of an observer in this baby-making adventure I've been enjoying reading things about how to increase our chances, and make our baby a super healthy genius. My first stop on this journey was to learn about fertility foods.

Some things I have learned:

• Sometimes full fat dairy is best. This includes whole fat yogurt, and ice cream. (I've decided to skip the full fat yogurt and stick with it's non-fat alternative, but Ali's enjoyed the upgrade.) Apparently women who consume full fat dairy have more regular ovulation. WAHOO!

• Asparagus has something like 65% of your daily dose of folic acid. That mixed with the pre-natal vitamin is basically like liquid gold for a baby. We've been eating it a few times a week.

• Red pepers have more vitamin c per serving than citrus fruit.

• Farm raised salmon has antibiotics in it, and artificial coloring. Better to stick to the wild kind. Plus the omega-3 fatty acids help to regulate reproductive hormones, increase blood flow to reproductive organs, and relieve stress. (Not that there is anything at all stressful about this process.) 

• Blueberries and raspberries have a ton of  antioxidants, which can help with happy, healthy eggs! 

Then of course there is a long list of foods to avoid. For example: sandwich meats, raw fish, hot dogs, coffee, soda, sugar (cough, cough). 

Basically, we've discovered that the so called "fertility diet" is basically the same as eating healthy. We've been indulging in lots of organic fruits and veggies, happy farm raised antibiotic free chicken, wild haddock and salmon, whole fat organic yogurt (for Al, I still stick to the fat free kind). We are excited that summer has arrived and our food options are becoming more plentiful. 

Time Keeps Ticking

It's sort of a funny thing, planning to have a baby, without actually having one. As each milestone passes we imagine what that particular day will look like next year. As Christmas approached last year we thought "Maybe we'll have a baby next year." That was kind of a long shot, since we weren't really ready to start trying at that instant. But now that we are all of these holidays and celebrations it seems more and more likely that we might actually have a baby before the next one rolls around.

In April, it's my birthday.

In May, it's Mother's Day.

In June, it's Ali's birthday.

When we did our first iui in April our due date would have been December 27th. A few days early, and we could have had a Christmas baby. A few days later and our child could have shared a birthday with his or her cousin, our sweet niece Hannah, who is now 5 months old.

When I started seriously reading other blogs of women trying to get pregnant the same way we are I was excited to come across so many women in the same boat as us. People around our ages, just starting to try to conceive. Now it seems like all of them are well on their way to mommy-hood, which makes me both hopeful, and a bit jealous.

If we get pregnant in the next couple of months we will have a baby for all of those occasions next year. Which could certainly happen, but is obviously not guaranteed. Any way it shakes out we I need to remind myself to be patient. Once the tiny human comes we will have it to share in celebrations with us for the rest of our lives.

Preparing for Round Two

It's hard to believe it's been a few weeks since I've written. We were obviously disappointed about Ali's inconveniently (for us) timed ovulation last month, and the fact that we were over 1000 miles away when we would otherwise be having an iui. However, something magical happened in the last few weeks.

We relaxed.

Don't get me wrong. It has been ridiculously busy. We have been away most weekends since Easter visiting with family and friends, and just generally being booked up. It's not that we forgot that we were in the midst of this incredible journey to make a baby, we simply remembered that the life we have right now is really awesome. And we lived it. We lived our lives free of thermometers and ovulation or pregnancy test and without the worry of what was happening in Ali's body. (I think she might have even eaten a hot dog at a BBQ a couple weeks ago!) We spent time on adventures together imagining walking the beach with an infant in a carrier, or being on trails with a toddler. It was great.

We start testing again on Thursday, which means we have appointments starting again next Saturday (for the following 2 weeks). All signs point to iui next Monday, as in a week from tomorrow, based average cycle length, etc. But get this, my sister graduates from high school next Sunday. My family lives an hour north of us, which means an hour further from the clinic. Her graduation is in the afternoon, so we COULD make it to an appointment early in the morning and be back for the graduation, but it would mean something like 7 hours in a car that day....which seems not at all fun.

I am hoping and praying with everything in me that it happens on Monday instead. For my convenience, so I don't miss any time with my family, or my sister's graduation. So I don't have to spend so long in the car. So I can be in Boston on a day when the Red Sox are not playing a home game literally right across the street from the clinic (which makes parking expensive or impossible). Something inside me tells me, based on how the last two months have gone that it will happen on Sunday, and I should just be prepared for that.

So, as we enter into round two we are reminded that this not-yet-conceived human is the boss of us, and we are filled with a bit more hope and excitement and joy than before. Those things have to count for something.