Something to be Proud Of

Several years ago, when I had first moved to this city, I was waiting at a bus stop near my house with my teenage sister, waiting for the bus to take us to the mall. We were on our way to a volunteer at a summer camp for kids with life threatening illnesses, and my sister had forgot her bathing suit. We were in a hurry, and the bus was late.

Before too long the street was blocked off by police officers. I was more intrigued than worried. Within 15 minutes we realized that there was a parade happening, and we were going to see it. Turns out it was the Pride parade. We were from a pretty liberal tiny city, but we didn't know such a thing existed. It seemed fun and festive, we collected some beads and some candy. And then, one of the people in the parade waved at us and shouted "HEEELLLLLOOOOO FELLOW HOMOS!" My sister found it hysterical. I was mortified, and suddenly wished I could be anywhere else in the world.

No doubt it was my inner turmoil that brought me down at that point, I was kind of/sort of involved with one of my best friends from college. A girl. I hadn't told anyone, and it was messy. It was confusing. At that point it hurt more than it felt good. She had a boyfriend. I wasn't gay.

Fast-forward 7 years (!). I am very happily married to an incredible woman. I have successfully avoided the Pride Festival since that day with my sister. At times I find my own lack of enthusiasm regarding PRIDE and embarrassment to my people. I really saw my "coming out" as a non-event. It was declaration of love for a person (who happened to be the same gender as I am) but not much more. It didn't change my clothing choices, or my taste in music, or my desire to go to the Pride Parade. I had friends, I had community, I didn't need to see mostly naked men (or women) dancing on top of trucks in order to be sure of who I was, and who I loved.

BUT, our church is on the parade route, and our friend Tad was planning to stand outside and hand out bubbles, and lollipops and buttons with an important message: "You are Loved." So we semi-reluctantly agreed to go help out. We got to the church  early to decorate with rainbow kites and various whirly gigs. We brought out bright colored fabric, and rainbow umbrellas. We wore leis and I whipped out my rainbow wig.

When the parade started we decided to go out into the street and give our trinkets to the people marching in the parade. They were happy to get fun toys, and candy, but extra excited for the buttons. I gave a button to a teenager who took it from my hand and said with joy, "That's right, I AM loved. Take that parents." While it's heart breaking that this young person does not feel loved by his parents because of his orientation (I assume), I am encouraged by the thought that on this day he knew that he was worthy of love, even if it was in the form of a button from a complete stranger.


I didn't think I wanted or needed the "gay community." However,  it was pretty powerful seeing the parade and realizing how lucky we are to live in a place where restaurants, jewelers, banks, churches, and even the animal shelter would march in a parade that says that all love is valued, honored, and celebrated. The mayor and the police chief served as marshalls in the parade, riding in cars and waving to the parade goers. To me this is incredible. Because of this one day celebration young gay kids (and old gay kids) can see that there are places in this city where they are safe and valued....and that's something to be proud of.

Back to the Start

We are decidedly not pregnant. Obviously, we would prefer for this not to be true. The cycle ended last Monday, right on schedule. We are sad to not be pregnant, but we are thankful that the cycle started that day because it means we inseminated on the right day(we were worried we did not)....and everything is working just the way it should. YAY for normal-ish cycles. 

Intentionally trying to make a baby is a bit like getting whiplash every two weeks, over and over again. It is very strange to be quite hopeful one day that there is a tiny human growing, and just a few hours later to know there is not. It feels like you have lost something, though it was never really there. Then, just as quickly (without anytime to really contemplate what has happened) you have appointments for the next insemination, the next shot to make your family a little more awesome. I'm ready. Come on awesome!! 

2 Weeks and a Dozen Emotions

If you've been here, then you know. The time between insemination and either confirming or denying your pregnancy is treacherous. Since our second insemination on the 16th between Ali and I I'm pretty sure we've experienced a full gamut of emotions.

We tested positive on the 15th, a bit late in the cycle (day 24ish), but doable in terms of our schedule, and not the latest it has ever been.

Relief.

We were finally trying again! and this time it seemed clear that this really was the right time.

Excitement.

We get the call that our favorite nurse is going to be doing the insemination.

Delight.

We got to the clinic to realize that they had double booked our appointment.

Annoyance, but only slight.

There were a couple of babies in the office, signs that maybe the clinic was doing something right.

Hope.

The nurse had a hard time getting the catheter where it needed to go (the uterus). She left the room to get another catheter, one that was more bendy. She came back to describe that when she was testing he catheter to see if they should buy more the tip fell off and the water they were inseminating into the rubber vagina squirted all over her. I see something dripping from the catheter and it's not water, it's our $1300 an mL sperm. She attempts to fix the catheter and I push the plunger.

Worry.

We head for home, over the next few days Ali experiences signs of ovulation, signs that may indicate we did this at the wrong time....again. (Though looking over old charts we discover that maybe it's just what her body does.) In the mean time, I can't help but wonder if all the swimmers were squirted onto the paper sheet instead of into my wife's uterus. I wonder why this can't just go smoothly, why we can't leave the clinic thinking that there is a chance. Weezer comes on my Pandora station at work (our donor supposedly looks like the lead singer of Weezer). I see his face and start to cry, at work, over Weezer.

Anger.

The middle time always seems to be the easiest for us. Ali's birthday is on the 19th. We celebrated. We manage to fall back into a routine realizing that there is little we can do to make it or break it. We eat organic produce and go to the beach.

Content.

Then we woke up today, and my sweet wife (who we desperately wish was pregnant) was nauseous and slightly crampy, and you can't help but wonder if it's an early sign of pregnancy, or if it's because she ate too much guacamole last night, or if it's all some psychological trick her body is playing on us.

Anxious. Cautiously Excited. Hopeful.

We are under no false illusions that this is really meaningful. But it does remind me that anything is possible. In the next few days we COULD find out there's a tiny human growing in there. Or we could find out that we have to do this all again. Either way, we're moving forward. Either way we're going to keep trying, and keep being thankful that we have each other, and some (very limited) resources to make this happen.

Love.

Fertility Foods

I am a reader. Much to my wife's dismay, I read things, and then I want us to change because of them. I

often start conversations "So, I was reading today..." to which she groans, then listens, and usually goes along with whatever ridiculous thing I have just discovered is very important. Mostly it has to do with environmental things, chemicals that we should avoid, how most sunscreens cause cancer etc.

Being somewhat of an observer in this baby-making adventure I've been enjoying reading things about how to increase our chances, and make our baby a super healthy genius. My first stop on this journey was to learn about fertility foods.

Some things I have learned:

• Sometimes full fat dairy is best. This includes whole fat yogurt, and ice cream. (I've decided to skip the full fat yogurt and stick with it's non-fat alternative, but Ali's enjoyed the upgrade.) Apparently women who consume full fat dairy have more regular ovulation. WAHOO!

• Asparagus has something like 65% of your daily dose of folic acid. That mixed with the pre-natal vitamin is basically like liquid gold for a baby. We've been eating it a few times a week.

• Red pepers have more vitamin c per serving than citrus fruit.

• Farm raised salmon has antibiotics in it, and artificial coloring. Better to stick to the wild kind. Plus the omega-3 fatty acids help to regulate reproductive hormones, increase blood flow to reproductive organs, and relieve stress. (Not that there is anything at all stressful about this process.) 

• Blueberries and raspberries have a ton of  antioxidants, which can help with happy, healthy eggs! 

Then of course there is a long list of foods to avoid. For example: sandwich meats, raw fish, hot dogs, coffee, soda, sugar (cough, cough). 

Basically, we've discovered that the so called "fertility diet" is basically the same as eating healthy. We've been indulging in lots of organic fruits and veggies, happy farm raised antibiotic free chicken, wild haddock and salmon, whole fat organic yogurt (for Al, I still stick to the fat free kind). We are excited that summer has arrived and our food options are becoming more plentiful.